like you'll live forever

I've heard it said:

"Live like you'll die tomorrow; dream like you'll live forever."

To be honest, it's always bothered me. I understand the sentiment - and the distinction made between living and dreaming - but, in the end, I find it frustrating. Sure, it's a great excuse to be spontaneous or to get excited about some great plans...but how is it actually supposed to influence how I make my decisions?

I'm having trouble thinking about how to live by both of these phrases at the same time. One underscores the limited utility of plans, while the other encourages making them.

When I'm feeling particularly "Carpe Diem," it's hard for me to even justify going to work. What if I do get hit by a bus tomorrow? Wouldn't it have been better to have spent today with friends lying in the park? I should shirk responsibility at every opportunity in favor of an interesting or more enjoyable alternative...right?

Given that tomorrow is never guaranteed, why should I ever be doing something I don't want to be doing as a means to an also-not-guaranteed end?

I know how this reads. Can't I just be independently wealthy and be a hippy for the rest of my life?

(Given the opportunity...would I actually turn it down?)

reminders

it's so easy to settle into a false sense of security when you're living in one of the most liberal cities in the country. (and even when you're not.) i take so much for granted. i very easily - and very often - forget that there are people in the world that harbor a lot of hate, and that no one is entirely safe from that.

a college classmate of mine was recently assaulted in D.C. he has dedicated his life to GLBT activism, and he was severely beaten - for being gay, for being black, for being outspoken, or for any of the above.

discrimination is real.

hate is real.

i want this to stir me. i want to hold on to this shaken feeling that i have, so that i am not so quick to be lulled back into my comfortable bubble.

complacence. is this at the heart of what i'm fighting?

resolutions

I'm going to avoid writing an apology to the blogosphere about not having posted in so long. (Wait, balls...did I just do it anyway?)

15 minutes a day. I can do that.

A collection of today's thoughts, in a not-terribly-well-organized fashion:

1) I have realized that my entire quarter-life crisis is summed up in 4 xkcd comics, at least two of which I have already posted earlier.

www.xkcd.com/59

www.xkcd.com/167

www.xkcd.com/267

www.xkcd.com/308

I owe a lot to Randall Munroe. Thanks for your eloquence.

2) Resolutions. Not a new year, not a new month, not even a new week - but at the very least a new day. And if I post them here, I feel a slightly stronger sense of accountability.

- do NOT get complacent at my (now higher-paying) job at which I am learning nothing

- do NOT get complacent, generally - actively seek out new and interesting things

- do NOT forget that this is, by design, an adventure

- DO cook more

- DO write more

- DO create more (this, I suppose, can be partially satisfied by the previous two bullets)

- DO get over how these resolutions seem trite and cliche and recognize them for their simple truths

Oh, and I'd like to become an expert on whisky/whiskey.

dynamism

"If you want something to get done, ask a busy person."

Today, I extracted data from three SNP studies, interviewed at a modeling agency, corresponded about and filled out paperwork relevant to a new job opportunity, met friends for lunch, had two counselor consultations, went to the gym, attended a catered tech nerd meet-up, played with chatroulette at a friend's, chatted in person with my new roommate, video chatted with my Boston friends, and started reading a book.

This isn't entirely a new revelation, but it's a consistent feeling - that one of accomplishment and satisfaction at having given my attention to many, diverse tasks. I like to wear a lot of hats. I thrive on being busy. More correctly, I thrive on dynamism.


And Dots. I fucking love Dots.

not a destination

A much (much) needed escape from the city and one-with-nature experience with some new wonderful friends was exactly what I was fortunate enough to have this weekend. Amazing scenery, phenomenal weather, even better conversation. Cheers to the Esalen 4. Remember, kids - happiness is not a destination.

More changes for me are on the horizon. A job change - perhaps a big one. Perhaps sending me in a direction I never could have anticipated. One that is the result of being in the right place at the right time - and an opportunity that I might regret not taking if I choose not to. And if I've learned anything so far, it's that the fear of regret is my strongest motivator.

Inspired by my trip (and one of QP's former English teachers), I leave you with some Sara Teasdale:

Life has loveliness to sell,
All beautiful and splendid things;
Blue waves whitened on a cliff,
Soaring fire that sways and sings,
And children’s faces looking up,
Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell;
Music like a curve of gold,
Scent of pine trees in the rain,
Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
And, for the Spirit’s still delight,
Holy thoughts that star the night.

Give all you have for loveliness;
Buy it, and never count the cost!
For one white, singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost;
And for a breath of ecstasy,
Give all you have been, or could be.

popcorn

Sometimes, at the end of the day, it's the little (poppable, butter-covered, fluffily wonderful) things in life that help get you through to the next.


Thank you, Orville.

trying

While I have the beginnings of a fleshed-out log of my first month experiences (and, more importantly, my thought and emotion evolutions), it's not quite ready. And unfortunately, I've been using this as a reason not to post anything - but a dear friend helped convince me that this kind of writing is a discipline, and I should be doing it daily anyway. So here goes, with an apology if there are references to things that will only be included in retrospective entries at some point in the future.



I need a new job - pretty badly. Granted, it has been nice to have some relative financial stability at a time in my life where nearly everything else has been anything but stable...however, simply put, this is not the experience I was looking for. Being broke might be a better life experience than hanging out with Excel all day. I thrive on interaction with others, and this job doesn't provide me with even a little bit of that.

However, there are leads - a friend (who barely knows me) has landed me a gig working (irregularly) for an alcohol promotions company. This friend has also potentially gotten me an interview with a prominent modeling agency in the city. And another near-stranger (from whom I will likely be renting a room come April) might be able to get me an in leading Segway tours on the Embarcadero downtown. And I made some bones yesterday doing a quick arrangement for a high school a cappella group.

Yessir, things are happening.

There is a lot that I don't know right now. Uncertainty abounds. But dammit I'm trying, and that's really all a guy can do.

three weeks

I laughed when I said it out loud last night.

Three weeks.

To think about what has happened. What I have felt. Where I have been, and where I am - in three weeks. It blows my mind, legitimately.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but the fact of the matter is I've been much too busy doing and feeling and existentially crisisizing to keep up with posts here. But I will be doing an update in the next few days - because, as a friend told me, all of the best adventures are well-documented. I don't ever want to forget what I've felt these last three (three!) weeks, so, entirely for myself, I must get it down in writing.


SF log, weeks 1-3, coming soon.

not a sentence

Thanks to two wonderful friends - one who's gone before on this road less traveled, and one who will always know me better than I know myself - my manic first day in San Francisco of quasi-optimistic ups and very fatalistic downs has come to a close with these thoughts:

This crippling fear I am feeling is part of what I signed up for, but it will pass and give way to excitement. The uncertain and uncomfortable position in which I find myself is not a self-imposed sentence, but rather an opportunity for self-discovery through genuine struggle. At the beginning of all of this - as hard as it sometimes is to remember that time - I wanted (needed) to see who I was with structure and safety and status quo stripped away, and that was what set all of this in motion.

And here I am. I am in San Francisco, with no idea of what tomorrow will bring.

Someday in the near future, with a lot of repetition of the paragraph above, I'll be able to follow that up with: "And that is awesome."

life in a suitcase

I don't know what I expected yesterday to be like, but I was definitely caught off-guard. Throughout this process, I have been saying that my feelings about leaving were a mixture of excitement, fear, and sadness. Yesterday, it was only fear.

I am terrified. Scared absolutely shitless.

People have been telling me that they think what I am doing takes a lot of balls, or that they admire my courage for doing this.

But is it courage? Or is it just foolishness?


When will I know if I've made a terrible, terrible mistake?

leaving it behind

In a lame attempt at symbolism, I got my (longer than ever before) hair cut today. Releasing the inches of hair that had grown - probably over the entirety of the LOA decision-making process - was actually a little cathartic. However, while letting go of the quaff I had acquired was a bit of a welcome release, I am letting go of quite a bit more in Boston that I am terribly sad to leave.

Thank you, my dear friends, for everything. You are my family, my world, my support, and my courage. I wish that you could physically accompany me on this ride I'm taking, but nonetheless I am here and you are with me always. I cannot wait to see you again!

don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Lyrics? A cop-out? Yes. But I'm busy packing today, and I don't know if I'll have a chance to post again before I leave. But these lyrics have been speaking to me for months now, and it's an appropriate reflection on where I've been and what I'm about to do - "take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while."

Billy Joel, you are the master.

-------

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

so long for now, kim lab

But I'll be back! You keep rockin' out in the meantime =)

twenty-five thousand, two hundred minutes

dave has left the building

I had my "exit interview" yesterday, at which I needed to turn in my hospital ID and show my adviser where everything (notebooks, data, frozen samples, etc.) was kept.

It was all very strange. I didn't find myself experiencing any nostalgia - not because I wouldn't miss it (though, truth be told, there are some parts that I just won't), but because I know I'm coming back.


Still, it's weird to look at my empty desk. How will I have changed by the time I sit there again?


(I found this image to be hilariously appropriate.)

i get a little help

Thinking back on the process that led me to the decision to leave my program for a year, there are few things that would have served as real deal-breakers along the way. Disapproval from friends, family, other faculty - it would have been hard to take, but ultimately I think I would have realized that this was the right choice for me, even without their backing. However, one person whose support I desperately needed was my adviser's. This whole ordeal (which is really only just beginning) could have gone in an entirely different direction if not for this incredibly understanding and supportive woman. Among other anecdotes, this most recent one takes the cake.

Two days ago, I got an e-mail from the organization from whom I had gotten a grant this past summer, and who (was) funding me for the next two years. When I received the grant, my advisor had given me the go-ahead to order a brand new MacBook Pro - which I did, and which I currently love. The e-mail that I got two days ago informed me that, since the grant funds had paid for the computer, and since I hadn't finished out my term on the grant, I would have to surrender the computer to them. Fuck me sideways, right?

While it would have been entirely legitimate for my computer to be taken away, a lucky turn of events and an amazingly generous call on my advisor's part made my otherwise-depressing day an uplifting one. As it happened, the check from my granting organization had not yet gone through, so the computer was technically paid for out of my adviser's (grant) pocket. So she told them to simply cancel the check. The computer was on her, and she wanted me to have it.

(Did I mention she's also taking me and the rest of the lab out for dinner and drinks on Tuesday, as a send-off for me? It's almost too good to be true.)

Thank you, CK, for everything. I truly cannot wait to come back and continue working with you.

can you really afford to be forgettable?

"Well, you go and live. Do something great, because you're going to get old, and can you really afford to be forgettable?"

- a friend

not gonna do it

Wouldn't be prudent.

if you say so, fortune cookie

I will even forgive your inappropriate capitalization.

holy $#!T

I'm moving to San Francisco.

piece by piece

Though a lot of things remain to be figured out, quite a lot is falling into place. I've got my plane ticket booked, my official leave form has been submitted with all of the appropriate signatures, I've got my to-do-before-you-leave list from my advisor, and we should have a subletter for my apartment by the weekend. I've got a couch to sleep on when I get there (for at least a couple of weeks), and a couple of leads on sublets in San Fran. I'm optimistic!

Now I just need a job. Details...

booked

i will miss this when i'm gone

My favorite view of Boston, with (one of) my favorite person(s).


One of my favorite activities with out-of-towners...the view of the city from the Top of the Hub. If you've never done it, go on a weekend around 2:30 PM. It's after lunch, but before dinner, so they let you just sit at the bar. Pay $12 for an amazing cocktail with an amazing view, instead of paying $15 to just get the latter at the SkyWalk on the floor below.

my life on the c-list

I skipped out of lab today to spend a good 6 hours on Craigslist, my new least favorite pastime. Between posting ads for my own room sublets, responding to those ad responses, scheduling potential subletter visits with my roommates, looking up sublets in SF, responding to sublet ads in SF, looking up job listings in SF, responding to job postings on SF...I'm just about all set with Sr. Craig and his godforsaken lists.

It seems like subletting my rooms here is going to be the easiest of the three main tasks: 1) sublet my rooms in Boston, 2) find a sublet in SF, 3) find a job in SF. We've gotten a lot of responses to the ad I posted, so Austin and Becca will have their pick of roommates it seems. It's exceedingly important to me that whoever moves in here is someone with whom my current roommates are comfortable, so it's good that there will be options.

I don't take for granted for a second what we have here at the Cogs, and I will miss my roommates dearly.

I also know that it will be easier for me to find a job and sublet once I'm actually in the bay area to meet potential employers and roommates - but that somehow is a very small comfort at the time being. I'm wondering if it's even worth these day-long efforts to secure a job and living situation before I get there, if the likelihood of success is so seemingly low.

But, I press on. More ads to search through as I type...

sign on the dotted line

"One year in the context of a whole life or career - it just doesn't matter. No one will think less of you or devalue your Harvard Ph.D. because you took some time to find yourself."

"All this stuff about 'oh, you've got to do it this way,' or 'this is the path you have to follow'...it's all crap. All of it. There's no right way. You've just got to follow your heart. Things just tend not to work out when you don't."

"Shoot me an e-mail when you get there and sort out what you're doing. It'll be fun to keep up with your life as you figure it all out. You're young - I have to live vicariously through you. Us old guys, we don't have time to have fun anymore..."


I'd say that my meeting with the admin folks in the Division of Medical Sciences went pretty well.


Almost official!

xkcd may be my true inspiration

www.xkcd.com/308/

carpe diem

I turned 26 today. It was a chilly, snow-covered Boston that I woke up to this morning - to be expected at the beginning of the calendar year. I took the T (a longer commute than the bus) all the way into lab today, just so I could catch a look at my favorite view of the city. The skyline from the Longfellow bridge is always beautiful, regardless of the weather. It's one of the things about this city I'll look forward to seeing when I return.

In less than a month, the landscape to which I will wake up will be quite different. After months of debating, questioning, reflecting, introspecting, discussing, waffling, pondering, and a whole host of other action verbs, I've decided to leave my Harvard Ph.D. program for one year to move to the west coast - San Francisco, in particular. The move is temporary, but it's something that a lot of soul-searching has convinced me that I need to do. And I need to do it now.

This blog will serve not only as a way for those interested parties to keep track of the who/what/when/where/why/how in my life, but also to keep me constantly reminded of what this year is to be for me - an adventure. For better, for worse, for richer, or for (almost certainly) poorer, this is my perhaps overly-romanticized opportunity to figure out what it is I'm looking for. And to laugh, cry, love, learn, kick ass and take names while I'm doing it - and remember that I am always making up the future as I go.

I turned 26 today. Here's to my 27th adventure!