like you'll live forever

I've heard it said:

"Live like you'll die tomorrow; dream like you'll live forever."

To be honest, it's always bothered me. I understand the sentiment - and the distinction made between living and dreaming - but, in the end, I find it frustrating. Sure, it's a great excuse to be spontaneous or to get excited about some great plans...but how is it actually supposed to influence how I make my decisions?

I'm having trouble thinking about how to live by both of these phrases at the same time. One underscores the limited utility of plans, while the other encourages making them.

When I'm feeling particularly "Carpe Diem," it's hard for me to even justify going to work. What if I do get hit by a bus tomorrow? Wouldn't it have been better to have spent today with friends lying in the park? I should shirk responsibility at every opportunity in favor of an interesting or more enjoyable alternative...right?

Given that tomorrow is never guaranteed, why should I ever be doing something I don't want to be doing as a means to an also-not-guaranteed end?

I know how this reads. Can't I just be independently wealthy and be a hippy for the rest of my life?

(Given the opportunity...would I actually turn it down?)

reminders

it's so easy to settle into a false sense of security when you're living in one of the most liberal cities in the country. (and even when you're not.) i take so much for granted. i very easily - and very often - forget that there are people in the world that harbor a lot of hate, and that no one is entirely safe from that.

a college classmate of mine was recently assaulted in D.C. he has dedicated his life to GLBT activism, and he was severely beaten - for being gay, for being black, for being outspoken, or for any of the above.

discrimination is real.

hate is real.

i want this to stir me. i want to hold on to this shaken feeling that i have, so that i am not so quick to be lulled back into my comfortable bubble.

complacence. is this at the heart of what i'm fighting?

resolutions

I'm going to avoid writing an apology to the blogosphere about not having posted in so long. (Wait, balls...did I just do it anyway?)

15 minutes a day. I can do that.

A collection of today's thoughts, in a not-terribly-well-organized fashion:

1) I have realized that my entire quarter-life crisis is summed up in 4 xkcd comics, at least two of which I have already posted earlier.

www.xkcd.com/59

www.xkcd.com/167

www.xkcd.com/267

www.xkcd.com/308

I owe a lot to Randall Munroe. Thanks for your eloquence.

2) Resolutions. Not a new year, not a new month, not even a new week - but at the very least a new day. And if I post them here, I feel a slightly stronger sense of accountability.

- do NOT get complacent at my (now higher-paying) job at which I am learning nothing

- do NOT get complacent, generally - actively seek out new and interesting things

- do NOT forget that this is, by design, an adventure

- DO cook more

- DO write more

- DO create more (this, I suppose, can be partially satisfied by the previous two bullets)

- DO get over how these resolutions seem trite and cliche and recognize them for their simple truths

Oh, and I'd like to become an expert on whisky/whiskey.

dynamism

"If you want something to get done, ask a busy person."

Today, I extracted data from three SNP studies, interviewed at a modeling agency, corresponded about and filled out paperwork relevant to a new job opportunity, met friends for lunch, had two counselor consultations, went to the gym, attended a catered tech nerd meet-up, played with chatroulette at a friend's, chatted in person with my new roommate, video chatted with my Boston friends, and started reading a book.

This isn't entirely a new revelation, but it's a consistent feeling - that one of accomplishment and satisfaction at having given my attention to many, diverse tasks. I like to wear a lot of hats. I thrive on being busy. More correctly, I thrive on dynamism.


And Dots. I fucking love Dots.

not a destination

A much (much) needed escape from the city and one-with-nature experience with some new wonderful friends was exactly what I was fortunate enough to have this weekend. Amazing scenery, phenomenal weather, even better conversation. Cheers to the Esalen 4. Remember, kids - happiness is not a destination.

More changes for me are on the horizon. A job change - perhaps a big one. Perhaps sending me in a direction I never could have anticipated. One that is the result of being in the right place at the right time - and an opportunity that I might regret not taking if I choose not to. And if I've learned anything so far, it's that the fear of regret is my strongest motivator.

Inspired by my trip (and one of QP's former English teachers), I leave you with some Sara Teasdale:

Life has loveliness to sell,
All beautiful and splendid things;
Blue waves whitened on a cliff,
Soaring fire that sways and sings,
And children’s faces looking up,
Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell;
Music like a curve of gold,
Scent of pine trees in the rain,
Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
And, for the Spirit’s still delight,
Holy thoughts that star the night.

Give all you have for loveliness;
Buy it, and never count the cost!
For one white, singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost;
And for a breath of ecstasy,
Give all you have been, or could be.

popcorn

Sometimes, at the end of the day, it's the little (poppable, butter-covered, fluffily wonderful) things in life that help get you through to the next.


Thank you, Orville.

trying

While I have the beginnings of a fleshed-out log of my first month experiences (and, more importantly, my thought and emotion evolutions), it's not quite ready. And unfortunately, I've been using this as a reason not to post anything - but a dear friend helped convince me that this kind of writing is a discipline, and I should be doing it daily anyway. So here goes, with an apology if there are references to things that will only be included in retrospective entries at some point in the future.



I need a new job - pretty badly. Granted, it has been nice to have some relative financial stability at a time in my life where nearly everything else has been anything but stable...however, simply put, this is not the experience I was looking for. Being broke might be a better life experience than hanging out with Excel all day. I thrive on interaction with others, and this job doesn't provide me with even a little bit of that.

However, there are leads - a friend (who barely knows me) has landed me a gig working (irregularly) for an alcohol promotions company. This friend has also potentially gotten me an interview with a prominent modeling agency in the city. And another near-stranger (from whom I will likely be renting a room come April) might be able to get me an in leading Segway tours on the Embarcadero downtown. And I made some bones yesterday doing a quick arrangement for a high school a cappella group.

Yessir, things are happening.

There is a lot that I don't know right now. Uncertainty abounds. But dammit I'm trying, and that's really all a guy can do.