Wednesday, February 24, 2010

three weeks

I laughed when I said it out loud last night.

Three weeks.

To think about what has happened. What I have felt. Where I have been, and where I am - in three weeks. It blows my mind, legitimately.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but the fact of the matter is I've been much too busy doing and feeling and existentially crisisizing to keep up with posts here. But I will be doing an update in the next few days - because, as a friend told me, all of the best adventures are well-documented. I don't ever want to forget what I've felt these last three (three!) weeks, so, entirely for myself, I must get it down in writing.


SF log, weeks 1-3, coming soon.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

not a sentence


Thanks to two wonderful friends - one who's gone before on this road less traveled, and one who will always know me better than I know myself - my manic first day in San Francisco of quasi-optimistic ups and very fatalistic downs has come to a close with these thoughts:

This crippling fear I am feeling is part of what I signed up for, but it will pass and give way to excitement. The uncertain and uncomfortable position in which I find myself is not a self-imposed sentence, but rather an opportunity for self-discovery through genuine struggle. At the beginning of all of this - as hard as it sometimes is to remember that time - I wanted (needed) to see who I was with structure and safety and status quo stripped away, and that was what set all of this in motion.

And here I am. I am in San Francisco, with no idea of what tomorrow will bring.

Someday in the near future, with a lot of repetition of the paragraph above, I'll be able to follow that up with: "And that is awesome."

life in a suitcase


I don't know what I expected yesterday to be like, but I was definitely caught off-guard. Throughout this process, I have been saying that my feelings about leaving were a mixture of excitement, fear, and sadness. Yesterday, it was only fear.

I am terrified. Scared absolutely shitless.

People have been telling me that they think what I am doing takes a lot of balls, or that they admire my courage for doing this.

But is it courage? Or is it just foolishness?


When will I know if I've made a terrible, terrible mistake?

Monday, February 1, 2010

leaving it behind


In a lame attempt at symbolism, I got my (longer than ever before) hair cut today. Releasing the inches of hair that had grown - probably over the entirety of the LOA decision-making process - was actually a little cathartic. However, while letting go of the quaff I had acquired was a bit of a welcome release, I am letting go of quite a bit more in Boston that I am terribly sad to leave.

Thank you, my dear friends, for everything. You are my family, my world, my support, and my courage. I wish that you could physically accompany me on this ride I'm taking, but nonetheless I am here and you are with me always. I cannot wait to see you again!

don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Lyrics? A cop-out? Yes. But I'm busy packing today, and I don't know if I'll have a chance to post again before I leave. But these lyrics have been speaking to me for months now, and it's an appropriate reflection on where I've been and what I'm about to do - "take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while."

Billy Joel, you are the master.

-------

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?